So, guess what? Guess who came a-petitioning at my door today? I never would have thought he’d go out of his way to visit me, without some juicy anti-climate change tidbit to show me, but there he was, Simple Sam on my doorstep, and I swear, friends, he was jealous.
“So where is he?” he says, rubbernecking past me, suspiciously eyeing corners of the room.
“Roger, you’ve been trying him out. Your new tame climate denier. Where is he? You haven’t convinced him to go into your Thought Experiment Chamber or anything?”
My goodness, Sam, no. Roger is a denier of the wild untamed variety. Totally authentic and certified mammalian biped just like me. Except for Father Theo’s vast and arbitrary powers of censorship over his own blog, the Roger you get is the Roger he has presented to us of his own free will.—I can tell you’re doubtful, Sam.
“But he’s so blatant. You prove one of his sources was talking nonsense physics…’
“That another pair were entering data into their calculations that were off by a factor of sixty to one.”
A small error that, amazingly, did not affect the outcome of their calculations. According to those scientists, anyway.
“Yet Roger calls what you wrote a character attack.”
It’s breathtaking, isn’t it, Sam? Never acknowledge a mistake. Ever.
“You never let me argue that way.”
You’re jealous, aren’t you? But I couldn’t, Sam.
People would accuse me of being unfair in my portrayal of climate change deniers.
“You are unfair,” huffs Simple Sam.
Not unfair enough to parallel the truth, though. If I rendered you as blatant, arbitrary sometimes stupid as the real thing can be (and I’m not in this list necessarily referring to Roger, by the way) you would serve no purpose as my devil’s advocate. I mean, you’d still work as a comic foil, but frankly, Sam, you’re not that funny.
“So, why’d you bring Roger in?”
I didn’t. He brought himself along. Wanted to talk, wanted to scorn, wanted to refute. He found the experience unsatisfactory. Now he wants to go.
“Because you were mean to him?”
No, no, Roger likes it, likes a little online full-contact slugfest. He just hates that I won’t let him publish his gratuitous anti-Al Gore rant—that’s what Roger says—and so now he’s going to pick up all his toys and gather up all his friends and go away. Oh dear.
Shall we wave to him out the window, Sam? Bye bye, Roger. Simple Sam waves goodbye, too.
“I do not!” says Sam.