Knoxville. “We’ve found the last true American. He’s healthy, he’s optimistic and he’s living on the outskirts of Knoxville, Tennessee.”
That was the breathless announcement made today in Knoxville by a spokesperson for the Search for True America Foundation.
John Brenston, president of the Tennessee chapter of the SFTA Foundation, who was chosen by the organization to release the news today, said, “I’m proud to be able to make this announcement. I’m proud today as always to be from Tennessee. And I’m proud that this proud historic city is home of the last True American.”
In an interview, Brenston talked about the long search leading to today’s exciting announcement. “We have been to every state (except Hawaii) knocking on doors, searching records, tracking down leads. Some people said we should give up. Some people said we should lower our standards. But the people at the Search for True America Foundation are not like that. We aren’t quitters. There was no way we were going to lower our standards. This is America we’re talking about! And our faith proved true. At the end of our national quest, we found him!”
At the moment the identity of the Last True American, and the precise neighbourhood he lives in, is a tightly kept secret.
“We thought about it at the Foundation,” said Brenston. “We decided it was better to keep his identity a secret for now until safeguards are put in place to protect him from un-American influences.”
“We just announced that the Last True American has been found today. We don’t want to announce tomorrow that he has been lost again,” Brenston concluded somberly.