Candid Conversations With Simple Sam

Posted on January 27, 2010


Faithful readers with elephantine memories will remember Simple Sam, who last haunted my pages sometime around Canada’s last federal election.  Simple Sam is our tame, in-house climate denier, and all round conservative straw man and whipping boy.

Every blog needs one.

Sam dislikes ambiguity.  He likes a simple answer to things, and he’s often ready with what he thinks that simple answer is.

And, oh yes, Sam is male.

“Yeah, try to explain that one,” says Sam.

–We had this out, Sam.  Remember Simple Sarah?

“Don’t bring up Simple Sarah.”

1. Simple Sarah

You see, reader, one day Sam came to me with his cousin Simple Sarah in tow.

–What’s the occasion, Sam? I asked.

Turned out Sam was dissatisfied with men taking all the flack in my blog.  Thought he might want to share the conservative straw man duties with a conservative straw woman.  He brought Simple Sarah along to audition.

–So tell me about yourself, I said to her.

“Well, the world was made 6,000 years ago,” said Simple Sarah, “and I’m not denying evolution either, because it all happened during that time, that 6000 years.

“And global warming isn’t really going on,” she continued with a wink, “it’s a conspiracy of the University of East Anglia.  And if it is going on, we really can’t do anything about it, so why bother to try?

“I read all the newspapers, but I don’t remember what they are.  Don’t try to confuse me.

“Isn’t Africa a country?

“I should be on your blog because God chose that role for me.

“Am I getting paid?

“Will I get even more if I wink again?”

I told her that I would be deciding which fictional fall guys (or fall gals) would be on my blog, thank you.

Free will.   Freedom of the press.  Literary license.  That sort of thing.

And fictional characters get fictional pay.  Her cheque was in the mail, wink gratuity included.

After she left, Simple Sam told me confidentially that Simple Sarah maybe wasn’t ready to represent conservative womanhood.

I said, maybe not.

2.  And Then There Was the Liberal Alternative


“It was liberal, all right,” says Sam.

–Is that contempt I hear in your voice, Sam?

“It was typical politically correct nonsense,” says Sam.

Sam didn’t like the solution I proposed to him.  It was a perfectly usual solution.  All the best pedagogues did it.



“Typical feather-headed liberal garbage,” says Sam.

It was even a simple solution, and Sam was supposed to like simple solutions.

“I’m not the one being simple now,’ says Sam.

I simply proposed to Sam that if he was worried about the gender problem, he didn’t have to be male.  He could be female.  He could be either.   He could be both.  He could share gender or shift gender.  Here and there.  Willy nilly.  He would be both man and woman together.  And neither.

“I will not put up with this kind of perverted-looking, gender-bending, gender-trading liberal nonsense,” says Sam.

I suspected that Sam didn’t like his (imaginary) sexual equipment shifting madly about from sentence to sentence.

“That too,” says Sam.

And that is why Simple Sam is still a man.

It’s his own fault if he couldn’t accept a simple solution.